On the Ten Rules of Friendship


Jeremy Taylor (1613-67)
By David Larson
Wise insights on friendship from a noted seventeenth-century Anglican divine.
  1. That the first law of friendship is, they must neither ask of their friend what is Undecent; nor grant it if themselves be asked.
  2. Let no man choose him for his friend whom it shall be possible for him ever after to hate; for though the society may justly be interrupted, yet love is an immortal thing; and I will never despise him I could once think worthy of my love.
  3. There are two things which a friend can never pardon, a treacherous blow, and the revealing of a secret, because they are against the nature of friendships; they are the adulteries of it, and dissolve the Union.
  4. Never accuse thy friend, nor believe him that does; if thou dost, thou has broken the skin; but he that is angry with every little fault breaks the bones of friendship.
  5. Give thy friend counsel wisely and charitably, but leave him to his liberty whether he will follow thee, or no; and be not angry if thy counsel be rejected: for, advice is no Empire, and he is not my friend that will be my Judge, whether I will or not.
  6. Never be a Judge between thy friends in any matter where both set their hearts upon the victory: if strangers or enemies be litigants, whatever side thou favourest, thou gettest a friend; but when friends are the parties, thou losest one.
  7. Never comport thyself so, as that thy friend can be afraid of thee.…No man is a friend to a Tyrant; but that friendship is Tyranny, where the love is changed into fear, equality into empire, society into obedience; for then all my kindnesses to him also will be no better than flattery.
  8. When you admonish your friend, let it be without bitterness; when you chide him, let it be without reproach; when you praise him let it be with worthy purposes, and for just causes, and in friendly measures.
  9. When all things else are equal, prefer an old friend before a new.…An old friend is like old wine, which when a man hath drunk he doth not desire new, because he saith that the old is better.
  10. After all this, treat thy friend nobly, love to be with him, do to him all the worthinesses of love and fair endearment, according to thy capacity and his; bear with his infirmities till they approach being criminal; but never dissemble with him, never despise him, never leave him.

From The Measures and Offices of Friendship

To begin reading about Jeremy Taylor, please click here.

David Larson teaches in the School of Religion at Loma Linda University.

Comments

What a beautiful list, Dave. Saying anything in the King's English makes it sound elegant, but this is also wise. I read it wondering if it would include the most important element of friendship mentioned frequently by Anne Lamott--showing up. "Love to be with him . . . never leave him" takes that up a notch.

Posted by: Bonnie Dwyer | 26 June 2008 at 3:24

Bonnie

Jeremy Taylor is one of my favorites. Ann Lamott on "showing up" is great! I regret I have read nothing by her, however. When it is convenient, how about a brief description of who she is and what's she's up to?

Everybody

If you had to choose one and only one of Jeremy Taylor's ten rules of friendship, which one would you select?

My choice would be #3.

Dave

Posted by: davidrlarson | 26 June 2008 at 9:26

#5

Posted by: Michael | 26 June 2008 at 10:02

#10

Posted by: Sandra Mar (not verified) | 27 June 2008 at 12:44

Thought this might bring it into more modern, child-like terms:

Friendship Rules

One Friend Rules: It's usually easy to have fun when you have just one friend with you. This makes it not SO difficult to decide upon special things to do. Be sure to listen to your friend's ideas, do many of the things your friend wants to do (not just what you want to do), and remember to be polite always.

Two and Three Friends Rules: No groups are allowed! Remember that you must play with all your friends. You can't decide you want to be with one friend and ignore the other(s).

Lots of Friends Rules: Groups can be a problem with lots of friends, too. Sometimes groups get together and whisper. The groups may act like they don't want to be with others. Maybe they'll call themselves the "cool" group which means that everyone else must not be "cool." It's okay, of course, if different friends talk with each other and do things together, but it's not okay if they are nasty to each other or tell others they can't be in their group. It's best to think of activities that everyone can do together. Keep in mind, however, that it's not your fault if some of the "friends" are being unkind to others. You must remember to be kind to everyone and especially to those who are being left out.

Best Friend Rules: Although best friends can be so nice to have, they can be problems, too. Sometimes people who say they are best friends won't let others play with them. They might get together and whisper about others. This really hurts people's feelings. Sometimes people just say they are best friends so that they can tell others they don't want them around. That's not what best friends should be. Best friends should be nice to each other and to others also. One of the biggest problems of saying you are best friends with someone is that maybe you or your best friend won't want to continue being best friends. One of you might find another best friend. That really hurts the one who still wants to be best friends! So, Dr. Marsh suggests that you have lots of friends and not call anyone a best friend!

Things to always remember:

Be nice to everyone, especially those others might think are, well, you know, "uncool."
Include others when you are playing. If someone comes up and asks to join in, invite that person to be with you. If you're playing a game that only so many can play, say something like, "We don't have any more spaces for players now, but just stay with us, and we'll get you in during the next game."
Don't ignore others. Be aware that you can hurt others by not paying attention to them. You may not realize you are ignoring them, so be really careful to think about ALL those who are around you.
Try not to whisper to your friends when others are around. Others will think you are talking about them, and they will be hurt, even if you are not talking about them.
Don't tell secrets. As Benjamin Franklin said, "Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead." That means that no one keeps secrets. If you tell a friend something unkind about another friend, chances are the one you spoke unkindly of will hear it and be very, very upset.
Talk positively about others. Think of the good things about others
Don't show off or brag in front of your friends.
Keep in mind that even when you are with your friends, your parents are still the bosses. You must always be respectful to your parents.

http://ali.apple.com/edres/parents/playgrd/friends.shtml

Posted by: RDS (not verified) | 29 June 2008 at 3:38

Thanks for dipping us into those great archives of Christianity.

Posted by: Alexander Carpenter | 29 June 2008 at 5:23

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