Church Throws All Spectrum Readers Out*
1 April 2009
Church Throws All Spectrum Readers Out*
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In order to make room for all the new converts being harvested through Year of Evangelism efforts, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has asked local churches to remove all members who read Spectrum.
Any churches not complying will be hit with a new Obama era "We Have This Hope Too" progressive tax. There does seem to be some confusion about the legality of this, but apparently in the recently passed stimulus bill Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD) added an earmark that would allow the GC to extract 90% of all tithe from churches which harbor Spectrum readers. By calling it a "progressive tax" it apparently slipped through without objection. A spokesman for Sheila Jackson-Lee (D-TX) states that she would have voted against it, but "who really reads these things, anyway?" This reverse tithe tax on progressives has gone into effect already and pastors, claiming a desire to free up church hearing assistance system receivers, have encouraged local board action.
Although some church secretaries are reporting that a few individuals were never actually on the books, most church boards have authorized House of Worship Un-review of the Review committees which have followed a careful profiling approach to ferret out what's being called colloquially, the "read or would."
This process, pending final approval at the Spring Meetings later this week, includes asking each member a series of questions: Have you or anyone you know read the journal or the blog, listened to a podcast or read one of Tom or Elaine's comments? While many can say "no" to three of those, due to Tom and Elaine's prodigious output, many plead for mercy citing the fact that it's almost impossible to surf the world wide web without finding their commentary.
As these committees work, the rumor is that several dozen pastors in the Michigan conference were instantly fired when a history search was done of their computers only to find www.spectrummagazine.org cached and shockingly, sometimes even bookmarked. In another conference, one young Alabama minister, shepherding three congregations, tried to excuse the evidence to the committee: apparently he had only looked at Spectrum to read the interviews.
"Our little church just lost all three doctors, a dentist, our elementary school teacher and school board chair who had shared a copy, plus the organist, whispers Fresno Central Church member (who recently joined the Adventists) A. F. Firm. "I'm not sure that the committee realized who would be involved. I knew because several weeks ago Dr. Faith B. Strong tried to give me a printout of the weekly Spectrum Sabbath School Commentary, but as soon as I saw the URL I just said 'no.'"
Some churches have included bulletin inserts that list some identifying marks of a Spectrum reader. These include, a quizzical look, eyes occasionally open during the invocation, less than full-hearted singing during praise music time, and sometimes they bring a non-Bible, non-Ellen White book with them into the sanctuary. The quick I.D. guide notes that most non-lesson adult Sabbath School groups are probably infected beyond 50%.
Several colleges and universities have had to close instantly. One student reports, "I once thought my professor was pretty liberal with her God-involved evolution and coffee cup, but here at state. . .watch out for the flying keg! I miss talking with faculty who actually cared about my mind and my faith." Along with higher ed, most large institutional or urban-centered churches are affected, with some finding tithe down 95%. "But on the bright side," notes conference president I. Hart Baptismo, "at least everyone still in the pews just thinks Desmond Ford has something to do with a heavenly tax shelter for auto executives."
Due to this time of trouble, the Spectrum staff have had to abandon their computers and run for the hills. A remnant, we are twittering in this final post as we prepare for the end of time. At any moment Spectrum will be now become an official organ of our Church and will be edited by. . .Doug Pipim-Goldstein.
*Of course, April Fools.
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Comments
So all three readers will get the boot . . . How we will survive without them?
happy birthday, Hanukkah, and earth day!
April fewlzzya.
wow... thought my membership card had almost been revoked.
i was fearing eternal hell and damnation.
happy foolishness and all nonsense to you Spectrum.
After nearly crying with frustration at being vilified for simply reading spectrum magazine and blog this made me laugh with joy!
Thank you! You've made my day!!
It's been a long time coming but at last, a journal I can trust!
Lol...I thought my computer had been hit by the April Fool's bug when the church logo popped up.
Well done! Our own urban legend in the making.
And apparently there are 6 readers.
since I refuse to accept Alex's Prophetic status I can only assume that the above revelation is the product of a leak in the plans of the Adventist Theological Society plan code named "Victory".
Ron
Now there are 7....my generation those sour grapes "hateration". This is hilarious!!
Like Zane, when the SDA logo appeared I feared the Cornficker virus.
Loved it, Alex. What a blast!
This was GREAT! Good to know there are still people with a sense of humor! Loved it!!!!!
There goes Cliff.
Sorry, guy, it was a nice run while it lasted, but there's just some things you don't do.
Glen Davidson
Brilliant! April foolishness with just enough edge to make me LOL.
Andy Hanson
Guys, I'm usually the first to enjoy a good April fools joke. But... this got put out by someone on an e-mail list, I came here to check the web site and got nothing but the SDA church logo - even when I tried to click through it. Not funny.
Indeed!
:-)
Pretty cool, Alex.
S.N. Belmonte
Like the song . . . "Bad boys, bad boys, what sha going to do?" Sin is fun for a season . . . enjoy the day. God, please help inquirers of the faith spammed by Spectrum emails. Thank you.
Jody
Unfortunately, not everyone saw this as an April fool's joke and many others who did not find it humorous at all!
Since I read Spectrum and am not an SDA then I am immune. See it pays to be a member of the Papist plot to take over the world.
Hahaha! Thank you for that. :)
Alex,
I was delighted to hear earlier today that all Spectrum readers and Staff as well as the Theology departments of all SDA universities and seminary had decided to accept scripture as "final authority" and of "special revelation" and deny that EGW was always correct in interpreting scripture.
"Liberals" and "Traditional SDA's" are both in a frenzy and await further confirmation from the GC president before suicide since the "last days" may have truly come before now.
Even the Great Controversy theme, so loved and manipulated by both "traditionalist" and "Liberals" can be questioned by scripture in order to see if we "really still wait" to see if God is just.
What a happy 4/1!
Regards and thanks for the fun idea...
pat
Cliff,
Great to see you as the first reader of this fun post.
With your many comments throughout the weekend, it seems that you've become one of us. Welcome, welcome. Just remember the next time you decide to say something about Spectrum readers, that group includes you.
Bonnie
All Great posts but yours is the best. We even has to tolerate Cliff with a sense of humor. A Jew without a sense of humor--now that is a laugh. May Jack Benny and Bob Hope rest in peace. Tom
Awww, and here I was all ready to turn in my tithe from six months of colporteuring. I'm sure they won't want this filthy liberal-tainted lucre...well, I've been wanting a new bass amplifier, and I can also get my wife a nice gold necklace...maybe go out and catch a showing of "Milk" in the theater...woo hoo!
Thanks, Spectrum staff, for the heads-up. May the angels lift you up in their arms as you run from the fundamentalist overlords.
Here it is after noon on the west coast and I'd begun to think the holiday was passing unremarked. Then I sat down with one of my carefully rationed cups of postum to read, and..
Thanks!
I am sure Jesus must have at least smiled, for I KNOW God has a sense of humor, thanks for making me laugh!
Awesome. Clever. Fun. Delightful. Thought-provoking, even!
I liked the inclusive tone of this thread. Cliff is, actually, one of us. Imagine!
Thanks for making my day!
I grew up in a country (even though non-communist) where the government could do almost anything to you. It was quite scary when I read the first paragraph. Then realize it must be April Fool (I cheated and skipped to the bottom to confirm that :-)
It would be sad, wouldn't it, if this were true, because I love and am proud of my SDA heritage very much.
My first reaction was, I would leave the church. Then my next was, why leave, I would fight it and save the church. . .
We readers of Spectrum have already become "outcasts" in official circles (see Goldstein). We who are not employees of the church have more freedom of speech (our employment doesn't depend on the "correct" and current positions.
With the instantaneous internet communication, no longer does any instition control the news.
Where could anyone read any dissent in an official church organ? The Review continues with the old tried and true formulas. Anyone still reading (and believing them)?
I don't know if this will be seen, since the thread seems to have expired by now.
I enjoyed the April 1 piece, Alex, got a good belly laugh out of it. I don't know of any case where someone has been thrown out of the church for reading Spectrum, but I did hear of one case that might be considered a kind of inverse of that.
A pastor (a former colleague of mine) had the bad taste, in a Prayer Meeting discourse, to quote and credit Spectrum for something. One of his members, a retired church official, was sufficiently offended by this to move his membership to a different congregation in the area.
Don
Unfortunately, the comment about the Michigan Conference may not be too far from actuality. Some of us former "workers" there used to call it Hope International, Midwest (until Hope itself moved to the Midwest.)
"Doug Pipim-Goldstein" - LOL! I also received an April Fools Day joke email that the GC had rejected the investigative judgment - Jan Paulsen, along with the heads of Oakwood, Andrews, and Loma Linda Univerities; however Doug was not impressed and resolved to continue teaching the traditional doctrines. :)
Colin MacLaurin God in All .org
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