I Forgive You, But . . .
Posted March 21st, 2008 by Susan Gardner
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Don’t pick up I Forgive You, But . . . if all you want is a theological discussion of the concept of forgiveness. Don’t pick I Forgive You, But . . . if you’re just looking for an intellectual treatise with definitions of forgiveness and what the latest theorists say on the topic. Don’t pick up I Forgive You, But . . . if you’re wanting to remain at a distance from the challenges of forgiveness Lourdes Morales-Gudmundsson presents in her slim 162-page book. All of these areas—the spiritual, the intellectual, and the emotional—inform and touch readers with the necessity of forgiveness for themselves and others. Anyone who picks the book up can’t give it a serious read without personally confronting the need to forgive and be forgiven.
Morales-Gudmundsson smartly chose her title for yet another book on forgiveness. The tiny conjunction “but” signals the significant contribution this book makes to Christian living, for although none of us can deny the need to forgive and be forgiven, most of us add, either openly or silently, the “but.” The author won’t let readers get away with that addition.
In the beginning, the author reveals why she chooses to present seminars on forgiveness and now has written this book. In clear, simple language Morales-Gudmundsson tells her own story of forgiveness and the impact forgiving her father and others has had on her life. She recognizes sharing these personal experiences leaves her vulnerable, yet she is so passionate about the importance of forgiveness as a central Christian doctrine she is willing to be wide-open to her readers.
Morales-Gudmundsson divides the book into four sections including how forgiveness heals hurts, what the Bible teaches about it, what the process of forgiveness is, and the vital connection between forgiveness and prayer. She centers the entire book around the thesis that “for Christians, forgiveness is a moral imperative, not merely a doctrinal question open to debate” (20). Unfortunately, this important topic has often been pushed aside by the emphasis Adventists place on the Sabbath, the beasts of Daniel and Revelation, health reform, and more recently women’s ordination. Although Morales-Gudmundsson recognizes the importance of these topics to Adventists, she challenges readers to make the connection between living the forgiven life, for without this central doctrine, she believes we miss the whole point of our religion. Thus, there is no question about whether a Christian should forgive but just how to do it.
In her book the author confronts many myths and barriers that prevent us from forgiving, the “buts” attached to the phrase “I forgive you.” Because forgiveness is essential for our physical and spiritual health, our daily lives and work, Morales-Gudmundsson discusses the inherent problems of forgiving someone who has already died, forgiving those who reject the petition of forgiveness, forgiving those who have severely harmed us (abusers), forgiving those who have created unresolved grief (killers of our children), etc. Through multiple examples she describes how forgiveness works to help those who have been wronged begin to heal and move on with their lives. These stories are powerful and thought provoking.
Most helpful is the section on practical suggestions for effecting forgiveness. The author also challenges those who have been wronged to look honestly at themselves to see what in the situation was also their responsibility which may have contributed to the “other” lashing out. Forgiveness is clearly a two-way street, but even if we can only go down it one way, it is still a worthwhile spiritual endeavor.
Because of the insider jargon and terminology that surfaces at several points, the audience for the book is clearly the Adventist population, yet the author also cites scientific studies and forgiveness work by other Christians and even non-Christians which give it a bit broader scope. Connecting to restorative justice initiatives and peace movements makes this book valuable beyond just one denomination, yet Morales-Gudmundsson’s emphasis is for Adventists who might be more focused on prophetic doctrine while not recognizing the abuse they heap on those sitting nearby in the pews.
Written in familiar language, the book appeals to a popular “man/woman on the street” audience. There is also a Spanish version of the book, very fitting since the author is the chair of the Department of World Languages and professor of Spanish at La Sierra University. In the future, perhaps Morales-Gudmundsson will revise the book for an even wider Christian audience, removing the exclusive Adventist references and terms. With the rise of violence in the world, with the frightening fracture of families, and with the increasing personal stress on people, this book on forgiveness appears at a critical time.
Susan Gardner, Ph.D., is a professor of English at Southwestern Adventist University in Keene, Texas.
Note: Look for another review of this book in the new issue of Spectrum magazine. You can buy I Forgive You But... through our Amazon affiliate account and support Spectrum with your purchase.
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It's always easy to push topics such as the Sabbath, the Beasts, Health Reform, and Ordination to the forefront. All of these things can be dealt with externally. Forgiveness comes down to you dealing with. And, it is only YOU who knows if you have really forgiven someone. Forgiveness, particularly of some of the more egregious sins committed by others against one's self, usually requires a process of time.
I have heard a pastor get up in front of his church, just before the foot washing ceremony, and explain how we should not participate in that ceremony unless we have forgiven those in our lives who have harmed us. He particularly went into detail about how even those who had been sexually abused should have enough forgiveness in their hearts that they could, in love, kneel down and wash the feet of their abusers. And, if they could not, they should not be participating in the foot washing ceremony!
Although I have never been sexually abused, I was so angry for those who had been abused in their lives (some of whom got up and left the sanctuary) that I was in serious need of Lourdes Morales-Gudmundsson’s book myself. Getting up front in front of people typically scares me to death but I have to admit that, had we not had company with us that weekend, I would have stood up and confronted the pastor right there during the service. It was all I could do to keep myself seated. I was so angry I went into the bathroom rather than participate during the foot washing ceremony.
I would honestly like to hear what others think should have been done in this situation.
Susan, thank you so much for this review. I look forward to reading this book.
Gaylene, That is a very tough scenario you have described. What a painful experience to sit through, and what a boorish commentary by this Pastor. "This do in remembrance of me" seems simple compared to the editorializing of this Pastor. I suspect he was speaking in less than subtle words to specific people at the service. Obviously, this Pastor skipped the Counselling to the Abused 101 course at the Seminary. Or, hopefully they have such a course.
Susan, I have often noted that the most difficult person to forgive, is one's self. Does the author speak to this situation?
Randy
Randy, thank you for your comments. I just hope that those at our seminaries, universities and colleges, those in leadership positions and those in pastoral and evangelism positions have the insight to occasionally check into what is being posted on this Spectrum website. I believe they would be well advised to do so.
Gaylene,
The thinking that something as horrendous as sexual abuse could be gotten past and instantly forgiven by willing a decision in a foot-washing would be laughable if it wasn't so sad. The barring from the ceremony of people who have been so victimized, and the public questioning of their spirituality and Christianity is simply outrageous.
As one who knows people who have suffered such abuse I found myself angered with this pastor's insensitivity, and amazed at his ignorance. I hope he grows and changes his views. Has anyone confronted him to help facilitate this?
Thanks...
Frank
You know, Frank, I really don’t know if this pastor was confronted or not. I had every intention of making an appointment to speak with him, but ended up in a medical nightmare that, 2+ years down the road, I have yet to exit from. He relocated shortly after that. I fear I remember hearing it was to a new location where he would be dealing primarily with young people. As soon as I am well enough to tackle this, I do believe I have some unfinished business to attend to. It was reading Susan’s book review that triggered this memory.
I am a victim of sexual abuse in the Adventist church and reading your comments, your solidarity behind those of us victims, it means alot. I was told when I came forward--among other things--that "nobody else is here complaining" and "you'll be completely healed when you can look into your abuser's eyes and feel nothing but love." Incidentally, at that time my abuser was stalking me (though no longer raping me, that had happened years earlier), and I was only 16. It was this convoluted idea of forgiveness that allowed him to rape me repeatedly in the church sanctuary and around the entire building in the first place--he was a known predator. I need you to say that forgiveness is my business, and only mine, and give me the spiritual respect shown here. Thank you. I'm practically in tears reading this.
Please, for all of you that run this blog and know who I am, respect my privacy. I want to be left alone. I just wanted to say thank you without negative ramifications.
Dear Abuse Victim,
My heart is going out to you right now, and my prayers, too. I hope you know that there are many of us in the SDA church who have witnessed far too much of what you have experienced and it has made us sick inside. I have dealt with young people who have been sexually abused by family, friends, neighbors and even elected church officials, and have watched in absolute horror as the victim has been victimized even further. I have unsuccessfully protested at a church board meeting where they voted to officially reach out to the perpetrator to invite him back to the church the victim attended; this, in spite of the fact that the courts had ordered him to stay away from her. It was all about forgiving and being able to live in Heaven together, ad nauseam. They never said a word to the victim or the family. Several years later the perpetrator assumed leadership of the youth department of that church. The victim had to change churches.
Since this incident I do know that at least our conference (and I’m guessing other conferences have as well) has set up rules to be followed that will treat the victim with love, care, respect and fairness. Even when this happened several years ago, there was already a department set up at the G.C. to deal with victims and their rights. I don’t remember the name of the department, but I called and spoke with them at length. The woman I talked with was incredibly kind and there was no doubt in my mind that she was there to support and assist one who has gone through exactly what you have gone through. You can call them anonymously.
You may not now, and may never be up to dealing openly with this issue. That is up to you. I do hope that you do know (or will be able to personally, or with professional help get to the point where you know) that:
This was not your fault. Even at 16, even if you were to have consented, it is still rape and you are still not responsible. Someone more powerful took advantage of you.
What happened to you does not indicate that you are a bad person. You are not. You are a creation of God, a design in His thoughts well before you were formed. You have a purpose for being in this world. You are unique and beautiful and this dreadfully horrible experience does not change that one bit.
This was NOT God’s purpose for your life. It did NOT happen to teach you or anyone else anything. It was NOT allowed to happen to bring good from it. It absolutely, positively should NOT have happened. It was an evil act that is beyond belief.
Nor does it mean that God cannot bring good from it. He is in the business of taking the horrible things that Satan/Sin are responsible for and bringing good from them, if you are interested in allowing that to happen. Do not expect to understand this or believe it or even worry about it for now. But, it will be something people will tell you. It’s just not something that you will have any understanding of, maybe for years. Don’t worry about that. It is your job to take care of you for now. You need time, LOTS of TIME (probably years) to begin to heal. Be easy on yourself. Please, be easy on yourself. You have experienced something that no one, especially a child, should EVER, EVER have to experience. You deserve to be well taken care of.
Please know that there will be many who will read this and who will be praying for you. They care and so does your Heavenly Father. I wish you God-speed, Dear One!
Lourdes E. Morales-Gudmundsson
My travels with my forgiveness seminar have kept me from reading the comments made on Susan Gardner's excellent review of my book. Now that I see these, I'm moved to add my comment.
I want to assure those who haven't read my (or any other) forgiveness book that I dedicate a segment to forgiving oneself. The biblical undergirding for this section comes from Jesus's summary of the Ten Commandments: Love to God and love to others as one loves oneself. It is difficult,if not impossible, to forgive others if you haven't forgiven yourself. There's something really critical about healthy self-esteem and the ability to forgive.
As for the victim of abuse, my travels around the globe giving my seminar mainly to Adventist audiences has made me painfully aware of the widespread presence of sexual abuse against children and youth, both male and female, within the Adventist church. Perpetrators are generally males in positions of power: pastors, elders, deacons. It's a world-wide disgrace that our church needs to address much more aggressively.
The last person to comment on "Abuse Victim's" situation was very wise in 1)accepting the victim's request to be given space and time and 2) not passing judgment on the timing of the victim's forgiveness journey. Carefully selected professional counsel, prayer, and time are on the side of the victim as she deals with the various stages of grief into which this profound violation of her body and mind have thrust her (much like the grief stages that death creates). She must be allowed to acknowledge that what happened to her DID happen and that it DID hurt, deeply. She must be allowed to feel anger and disgust and whatever other feelings are associated with the ill perpetrated against her. However, at some point, carrying the negative feelings connected to the hurt need to be dealt with, otherwise, the person is allowing that hurtful situation to define the whole rest of her life. Nevertheless, no one but the victim can decide when she has arrived at that point.
She need not ever forget that she was victimized by her perpetrator, but, at some point, she does herself a favor to move beyond what forgiveness scholars call the "shame/blame" stage and process the negative feelings out of her life once and for all. This can be done through the process of "confrontation" (some form of externalizing the pain of the offense--speaking to the perpetrator, writing a letter, keeping a journal of "conversations" with the perpetrator, whether he/she is present or not, etc.)and, eventually, making the decision to let go of the feelings that are doing more damage to the victim than to the perpetrator.
Ultimately,if the victim can get there, forgiveness is a gift. A gift the victim gives herself and her offender. Forgiveness is also a leap of faith, trusting that God will take care of an unrepentant offender.
Gaylene,
Most Pastors skip right over areas concerning the lords supper.
Though the Pastor you mentioned may have covered the area badly, is there any chance he was trying to expound on the ideas found in 1 Corinthians 11:27-31?
(New American Standard Bible)
27Therefore whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner, shall be (A)guilty of the body and the blood of the Lord.
28But a man must examine himself, and in so doing he is to eat of the bread and drink of the cup.
29For he who eats and drinks, eats and drinks judgment to himself if he does not judge the body rightly.
30For this reason many among you are weak and sick, and a number sleep. 31But if we judged ourselves rightly, we would not be judged.
Frank mentioned an "instant" forgiveness. Is that impression accurate to your understanding Gaylene?
Knowing nothing about this instance and using only your post to go by, It doesnt sound like he was advocating going from 0-1000mph on the spot in thems of forgiveness of sexual abuse.
To me it sounded like he was trying to use an example.
Did he mention 1 Corinthians 11 at all in his remarks?
Thanks Gaylene
Michael,
Although it appeared to many that the pastor was probably targeting someone in particular, his message was still the same: No communion participation until the sexually abused victim has completely forgiven their perpetrator, which could mean years. Is this what you believe those verses are saying?
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